50 and beyond

Home is where I want my family to be comfortable in. I want to build a home where family members feel that they can be themselves and be accepted for who they are. As a homemaker, I also want to provide good memories for my two sons and my husband about what home is.

When I want to inculcate a value in my children, I think of ways to do this.

For example, I wanted to inculcate the love of reading to my kids when they were young. So, I would read to them about for about 30 minutes every night before bedtime. I would start by making them read the first line of every page, and then, I would read the rest of the page. Over the days and weeks, as they got better in reading, I would then make them read the first 3 lines of the page…and then, the first paragraph. Eventually, they learnt how to read by themselves.

When my kids got older and started to go to primary school, I wanted to make sure that we all stayed close to one another. So, I made sure that dinner time was set aside for everyone to catch up with one another. During dinner, I would try to get everyone to talk about their day. And, I tried not to ask my children what they learnt in school that day. Kids find it very boring to talk about studies. Instead, I would ask them about what funny things happened at school, or what they did with their friends. When they talked about their day, I tried my best not to add value statements, such as “Oh, you shouldn’t have done that” or “why didn’t you do this or that”? I often have to remind myself not to be prescriptive.

My children are 17 and 21 years old this year. They no longer eat dinner at home every night. Some days, I only see them for a few minutes a day. These sharing sessions do not occur as often as before. But when we do get the chance to have a meal together, we warm up quickly and continue to have these intimate family conversations.

Again, during their primary school years, at the end of each academic year, we would hold an award ceremony at home in our living room, and give them prizes. Regardless of how well or how badly they did in school, we would tell them we love them not because of their accomplishments, but we love them because they are our children.

As you know, my family is Christian. And so, I try in various ways to remind my children that God is present in our family, that He is actively involved in our lives, and He is God of this household.

Every morning, we pray for them if we leave our home together. This way, I remind my children that God is there for them all the time.

On New Year’s Eve, we would stay up till midnight. We would take turns and reflect on the major events that had happened to us over the course of the year. We would share about the lessons that God was teaching us. And then, we would pray and commit our lives and the new year to God. We didn’t manage to do this last year because I fell asleep before midnight, but this year, I’ll try and stay awake!

What about my husband? How do I make him feel at home? My husband is a very traditional man. He likes to come home to a good meal. He likes to have his family surrounding him. He likes to have his parents with him all the time. And I know that in future, he would like to have his grandchildren around him all the time.

I got married in 1999. After being married for 4 years, my father-in-law came down with kidney failure. My mother-in-law could not cope with taking care of him alone, and so, my husband got them to move in with us, so that we could all look after my father-in-law together. That was in 2004. Two years later, my husband suggested that I resign from my job and stay home to look after my son, who was then three years old. I was not keen, but I agreed to do so. It was difficult being home the whole day and living with my mother-in-law, or Mama as we called her. She did not like me and she made sure that everyone in the family knew that. My father-in-law passed away in 2009. Mama continued to live with us and she still lives with us today.

Sometimes, I would feel very frustrated because I am selfish and I just want to have personal family time with just my husband and my two sons. But my husband would insist on doing everything together, as a family. When we ate out, Mama joined in too. Mama would even follow us for all our family holidays together. Yes. Hubby always insisted so. During those years, I craved for alone time with my husband.

Last year, I went on my first overseas holiday trip with my husband alone, the first since my older son was born 21 years ago. I enjoyed it very much. Starting this year, my husband suggested that we go out on date nights more often instead of just during special occasions, so that we can have more alone time together. We now have date nights almost every week. How I treasure these dates!

When we make choices in life, there are trade-offs. If I want my husband to feel at home, and if that means having his parents live with us, then, sacrifices have to be made. In this case, I gave up some happiness, financial independence, privacy, and a lot of pride over the past 20 years. But in exchange, I experienced love. My children have seen for themselves what it takes to care for the difficult elderly. And more precious to me still, is that I know my husband appreciates and loves me. I know that because he tells me so. I am his home.

So, what about you? What values do you hold close to your heart? And how can you build your home so that your family will internalise these values as well?  I hope this has been some food for thought for you. Making a home does not happen by chance. It may cause heartache for you; it is not so easy and straightforward. I wish you all the best in your journey as a homemaker!