50 and beyond

The mammogram

My mom had a double mastectomy done when she was 69. I was 39 years old then, and promptly went for my first mammogram even though I didn’t have to until I turned 40.

Gosh. The mammogram is one of the most excruciating experiences you can ever go through. First you are asked to take off your top and bra in front of a stranger. Then, you are asked to stand next to this machine. Then, you are asked to place one breast onto a hard plate. Then, the person doing the mammo actually fiddles around with your breast until she can place the entire thing properly onto the plate where it should be. When she’s happy with her arrangement, she presses a button and another plate starts coming down, pressing against the breast to flatten it to get a good image. The pain is intense, and just as you think you may pass out from the pain, she says, “Don’t move and hold your breath!” and quickly goes to a corner where she is protected from all the radiation, to press another button for the scan to start. By then, you will want to whimper, but don’t dare to because it’s too painful to move. You hang on for what seems an eternity. The plates suddenly release, and you are set free.

Then, she comes over to take another angle. And then, you change to the other breast and start the process all over again.

This squashing and holding of breath process takes only 10-15 seconds but the feeling can be quite horrific. You may occasionally get a session where there was just a moderate pressure and hardly any pain at all. But they don’t come by often.

Do you ever wonder why modern medical biotechnology and engineering has yet to invent a machine that can perform painless mammograms? Here, I am making a guess. I think it’s because most of the people working in this industry and designing scanning machines are males and they do not know how painful mammograms are and hence, don’t try to change the way it’s done.

Now, just imagine. If a man were made to place each of his testis onto a plate, and have it handled by an attending staff. Next, his testis are crushed between two plates until it’s as flat as a pancake for 10 seconds. He then has the process repeated for his other testis. I am sure that he will devote time and effort to design a less painful way to get this done.

The ultrasound scan

After your mammogram, you go for your ultrasound in the next room. Again, you get into a vulnerable position. You remove your top again, you lie on the bed and you have to raise your arms above your head. The attending person squirts gel all over your breast and then proceeds to use a probe and press and move it all over. It is ticklish and uncomfortable. The worrying bit is when she finds a cyst and pauses to take measurements of it. The more pauses she makes to make measurement clicks on her keyboard, the more alarmed you get. This process can take anywhere from 10-20min, depending on how many cysts you have, as each of them are measured.

The colonoscopy and the endoscopy

Now, the actual colonoscopy and endoscopy is painless because you are sedated and thus unconsciousness. You wake up when the procedure is over and you are released. The discomfort is in the preparation for the scope. You need to clear your entire gastro system in order for the doctor to get a clear image. Three days before the scope, you have to avoid high fibre foods, one day before, you go on a clear liquid diet. The evening before, you take laxatives disguised to taste like dish washing liquid and purge until it’s all as clear as water. Fortunately, we only need to do this every 10 years.

The PAP smear and HPV test

Here, the doctor takes this huge contraption called the speculum and slides it into you. The purpose of that is to dilate you so that she can insert a scraper to collect cell samples. You know how it sounds like in your head when you are chewing food? Well, it sounds a bit like that when you hear the scraping from inside you. Imagine using a scalpel and scraping off some skin off your arm. Oddly enough, it’s not that painful, but it’s certainly uncomfortable. I usually try to block out my vivid imagination as to how much damage the scraping does, and count to 10. It would be over by then.

The urine sample

…which brings me to a gripe, or rather, a suggestion. It’s quite embarrassing to have to hand over a urine sample to the front counter staff, especially when there are other people around. Why don’t clinics give out opaque bags instead of clear bags to contain the urine sample receptacles? It would be great too if the receptacles were also opaque. That way, no one can see the urine samples. I would like this process to be more discreet, please! I am sure that in Japan, patients don’t show their urine samples in transparent receptacles in transparent bags.

The stool sample

This morning, since I had to bring my helper for her 6-monthly health check-up, I decided to sign up for a comprehensive blood test for myself as I haven’t had one done since I was preggers with D2 and had gestational diabetes. I have no idea what my current sugar level and cholesterol levels are.

My GP went through the three packages his clinic offered, and I went with his recommendations. Except…I pointed at the line which said “stool sample” and told him politely that I did not wish to do the stool sample. He was very nice about it and didn’t ask me why. He just agreed and that was the end of it.

I agree to go for a painful mammo, have my breasts probed and scanned every year. I agree to take laxatives and purge for a colonscopy and endoscopy every 10 years. I am fine with an annual PAP smear. But I don’t think I will ever agree to a stool sample test. Not. Ever. No thank you.