50 and beyond

This evening, I decided to have dinner at Bukit Timah makeshift Market/Food Centre. I was going to eat dinner alone tonight. Hubby had dinner appt with his boss. D1 and D2 both had plans with friends. So it was just me.

The first thought as I walked into the food centre was FREEDOM! I could eat whatever I want and be by myself. What a luxury. I felt a sense of exhilaration.

Then, in a split second, this feeling was immediately overtaken by a sense of loneliness and loss. I have morbid thoughts once in a while. And so, at that moment, I imagined that T was no longer with me permanently, and that my kids were living apart from me, with their own families. Suddenly, it all felt meaningless.

Being alone and being lonely are not the same thing. Being a homemaker, I am often alone. But I don’t feel lonely. On the contrary, before I met Hubby, I did have some friends then, but I had felt lonely all the time. I felt that no one really knew me or understood me. I felt that for a long, long time, ever since I was young.

This evening, when I felt the familiar whiff of loneliness wash over me, I realised that it was a feeling that I hadn’t experienced for a while. But I know that one day, I will feel it again. One day, if Hubby goes before me.

For now, let me enjoy not being lonely. Yes, I know, God knows me intimately. But let me enjoy knowing that someone on this earth knows me and wants to be with me despite knowing who I am.

Then, I quickly shut off the morbid thought of death and ordered five whole BBQ chicken wings. I squeezed two calamansi over them and slowly savoured them. I didn’t feel obliged having to offer them to my kids first. I think I must have looked silly grinning to myself and eating the entire plate.

Anyway, how odd to have had this experience this evening. I am mostly a homemaker and I am by myself quite often. So, I wonder why I suddenly felt this way. Perhaps God wants to remind me to appreciate the relationships I have with my family and to treasure my family. And so, yes, I will, I will not take them for granted.