50 and beyond

For the Chinese New Year season this year, we had three public holidays because the second day fell on a Sunday. Also, because I sent out my invites earlier, I was able to host more of Hubby’s relatives and friends.

Mama’s close family friends over for dinner on the first night. Mama is my MIL (mother-in-law). These friends are so close to Mama that they call her Mama too. I saw how happy Mama was when she saw them. I saw how much affection they showered on her.

On the third day, Hubby’s JC friends came over for dinner. Hubby is very close to these friends. One of them brought him to Christ during his JC years. These friends journeyed through his medical school years and walked through some dark years with him. They were very close to Mama too. Mama cooked them meals in their teenage years. She even washed their dirty and muddy National Service uniforms when they booked out over the weekend.

Over lunch, I saw how close they were to her. One sat on her right, and the other on her left. They scooped the dishes to place on her plate. They teased her and bantered with her.

That night, as I settled down to sleep and reflect about the day, I suddenly felt a tinge of sadness. I felt left out. It was as if I were a stranger standing in the cold, peering through a window and watching this cosy scene by a warm fireplace. I felt like an outsider.

I have hosted my in laws since 2004. My late FIL had renal failure and required peritoneal dialysis. MIL felt inadequate managing the dialysis by herself and so, we moved them in to live with us. She continued to stay with us after my FIL passed away in 2009.

I look Singaporean Chinese, but I don’t practise much of the Chinese practices because my mom was unfamiliar with them. When I first got married, I also didn’t know anything about the Peranakan way of life and thinking. I think our differences must have caused tension when we lived together.

It is an understatement to say that our relationship has been strained from the start. MIL was a confrontational and feisty person. Being conflict avoidant, I often felt uncomfortable during our frequent confrontations. Because of my inability to manage the confrontations, I suffered from bouts of anxiety.

My MIL’s well being started to decline when the COVID pandemic commenced in 2020. Because she was isolated and cooped up at home, she became frail, paranoid and depressed. Today, she’s on medication for depression and dementia. She has no stamina to be feisty and angry anymore. She can still shout loudly, but she tires of it quickly and stops. She no longer shouts at me. I no longer feel intimidated by her. But I find it tiring to care for her. Being with someone who dislikes me sucks out the life of me.

I manage my emotions by venting to friends. I find talking about it cathartic. Also, my friends give me feedback and encouragement, and help me see things from another perspective. Last week, as I shared my feelings with a group of prayer ladies, and my sons, they gave me advice that wasn’t new to me, but which I had forgotten over time:

Continue to perform my duty to care for her wellbeing. It’s not about the emotions. Love is about the doing, the being.

I don’t have to feel guilty about the negative feelings she has for me. I don’t have to try to make her like me.

Do not take her dislike for me personally. If her dislike for me stems from a deeper dislike for my ethnic background and culture, so be it.

Seeing Mama’s family friends being so nice to her, I need to remind myself that she did once have a kinder heart, even if it was not towards me.

I take inspiration from the lyrics of a U2 song Ordinary Love, which Bono wrote in tribute to Nelson Mandela. I cannot find the quote on the internet, but Bono apparently said something to the effect that Nelson refused to hate, not because he didn’t have rage or anger, but because he thought love would do a better job.

The lyrics of this song’s chorus goes like this:

We can’t fall any further if
We can’t feel ordinary love
And we can’t reach any higher,
If we can’t deal with ordinary love

Matthew 18:21-35

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

“Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

“At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.

“But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.

“His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’

“But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.

“Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”

So, dear reader, are you ready for ordinary love? Am I ready for ordinary love?